Goodbye and hello

It has been a week since Skye abruptly said goodbye.

People ask us how we are. It feels a bit weird to say that we are okay. But what does “okay” mean?

We are okay because we know Skye is in a good place now. She no longer has to endure the pain and discomfort Trisomy 18 had given her.

We are okay because we know that Skye experienced the best love and care we could ever give. It was five months of hits and misses, but mostly hits.

We are okay because Skye taught us the lessons of true love, sacrifice and humility. We are deeply humbled by what God gave us, what we went through as individuals, as a couple and as a family.

We are okay because, knowing that Skye is also okay, we can move on. We can continue giving her big brother Heaven the best love and care we could ever give.

We are okay despite crying from time to time. We know that we made the right choices for Skye. We did not become jaded or angry. We have begun the road to healing. We can’t say it is smooth-sailing from this day on but we know wherever this journey takes us, Skye is our guiding star.

Come to think of it. We may have said goodbye but every day since has been: “Oh, hello up there, Skye!”

Four dresses and a funeral

Kikay!

We made Skye very girly for her final hurrah.

At first, my wife Aires planned to dress up Skye in a simple pink shirt. We did not get to shop around for girly dresses when Skye was born. All Aires had was a couple of long-sleeved shirts she bought when still pregnant with Skye. The rest of Skye's wardrobe was a bunch of sleepwear.

Our dream of dressing up our daughter took a backseat when she was born with Trisomy 18. From the moment she was born till her goodbye, our main concern was to extend her life. We did not get to play dress-up princess.

During Skye's wake, we did just that.

We bought Skye four dresses. On Day 1, Skye was garbed in a white dress with a large bow at the waist. On Day 2, she wore a short-sleeved ecru dress with flowers. On Day 3, she wore a pink party shirt and a flamboyant hot pink tutu. Her shirt had a heart with the word "Love." It was Skye's last night and she made a splash at her going-away party. All well-wishers said Skye looked like a lovely doll.

On Day 4, the day Skye was laid to rest, she wore a white gown with sliver of silver highlights. She looked like an angel.

Every night since, Aires would ask me if Skye is happy now. With four dresses during her wake and funeral, I'm sure Skye is more than happy, she must be tickled pink.

Skye is in me

When Heaven first saw Skye in her coffin, he asked: "Why is Skye not waking up?"

"She is gone," I told him.

"Does that mean there is no more life inside her?" Heaven asked. I nodded in agreement with him.

"What will happen if there is no more life inside me?"

"Then, Nanay and Tatay will be sad."

Heaven paused, taking in all that I said. Then he blurted out: "Okay, let's go to the grocery."

"Why?" this time the question came from me.

"Let us buy a new baby. I want a boy and we will call him Claude."

That was how Heaven looked at Skye's passing away. To our four year old son, death is simply the absence of life and the beginning of something else.

On the day Skye was laid to rest, Heaven, Aires and I followed the hearse carrying Skye. Heaven asked his many why's again. "Why is Skye riding all by herself?" "Why are there many cars following Skye?" "Why are we driving so slow?" "Where is Skye going?"

So Aires prepped Heaven anew. She told him that Skye would be staying with Lolo at the memorial park; that her body would be buried under the ground; that her soul, just like Casper the Ghost, would go to heaven.

"So... Skye will be in me?"

"Yes," said Aires. "Skye is in you. She will watch over you, day and night."

"I won't be scared anymore of the dark."

That night, for the first time, in many years, we slept with the lights off because Heaven is no longer scared, because he knows Skye is in him, shining brightly in the dark.

Happy for Skye

It was raining when we laid our daughter Skye Czarina to rest yesterday. We wore white and had white and pink balloons. My wife Aires and I spoke of our difficult journey but nothing could compare with what Skye herself felt all 163 days of her life.

But many people also asked how Skye's big brother, Kuya Heaven, our four-year old son, was coping.

Heaven nearly threw a big tantrum at Skye's funeral. He was fidgety and asked to be taken back to the car. At first, I thought he was feeling uneasy, seeing Skye for the last time. I thought it was a ruse to escape it all.

To avert a complete meltdown, I took him back to the car and made a deal --- a new toy for his good behavior. He relented a few minutes later. In those few minutes, I managed to ask our son if the reason he wants to stay in the car is because he does not want to say goodbye to Skye.

He said: "No. I want to stay in the car because it is dry here. Out there, it is wet and messy."

"But what about Skye? Aren't you feeling sad?"

And Heaven said: "Tatay, I'm happy for Skye."

True enough, for the rest of that gloomy morning, Heaven did not cry. He looked at Skye one last time and asked: "Why is Skye frozen?" People crowded around the hole and Heaven hollered: "Excuse me, I want to see Skye." When the hole was finally covered, Heaven gamely sang Skye a "Rock-a-by" lullaby.

It rained. It was wet. It was sad. But if Heaven could, in all innocence, say that he is happy for Skye, I should also feel the same.

Goodbye, Skye!

Today to rest we lay you

Where the sky roofs the ground

Where hundreds more find their peace

With grasses and acacia trees

You will find it dark beneath

But above is yours to keep

Your flesh on earth remains

Your soul in finite time will live

You will hear us cry

You will hear our prayers

You will know why

You we love and care

Today an end begins

But hope anew springs

Goodbye’s but another way to say

My child, see you soon someday

Won't give up on us

It was unanimous.

When Aires and I were planning to do a slideshow in honor of our dear Skye Czarina, we chose Jason Mraz' song, "Won't Give Up".

"I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
Still looking up, still looking up."

Many of our friends and loved-ones say they are touched and inspired by Skye and by how our family coped with Skye's condition. It gives us immense satisfaction that we are able to reach out to others. If after reading about Skye, you look at your child with much profound love then Skye has truly served her purpose in life.

Aires and I had so many talks about what God has planned for us when He gave Skye to us. We knew there were many lessons to learn. I guess just like in Jason Mraz' song: "We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in."

Aires and I had to learn what we've got, what we're not and who we are.

Goodbye, Skye, Goodbye

Dearest Skye,

In a blink, you were gone. I was just an arm’s length away and you went without making any fuss. You did not make my heart go wild. You did not make my knees go weak. When I woke up, your goodbye had gone by.

I am awed how you planned your exit. You waited till I came back from a land far away. And for this I am forever grateful. You gave me the chance to spend another night with you. You gave me the chance to cradle you in my arms one last time.

What an obedient child you were. I whispered to you that it was all right to let go. And you did. You had to let go.

But I can’t. I will never ever let go of your spirit. You will be here forever with Nanay, Kuya Heaven and me.

You may have gone. But what you left behind will stay with us until our own goodbyes.

Love, Tatay