If Only

The littlest of things hit me first. Her mittens. A cotton ball. A gauze pad.

Then, I see the toys, the books, the music box and the empty crib.

No matter how hard I try to fight it, I start crying. I miss cooing to her, lulling her to sleep, singing "I Will Be Here".

Then, of course, the pictures. I can't help but think of my "what if's" and my "if only's".

I imagine years from now how we will remember Skye. If strangers ask: "How many children do you have?" Will I say: "We have a son but we had a daughter too."

This afternoon, we gathered our relatives at the memorial park to hold the last of the traditional nine-day praying rites for the departed. Aires asked me to read a poem for Skye. It was a poem that I started writing in January but did not get to finish till today. I almost did not finish reading it because I was choking midway but I mustered whatever strength was left in me so I could reach the end.

KUNG PUWEDE LANG

Kung puwede
si Tatay na lang ang kukunan ng dugo
Masakit kasi talaga bawat tusok ng karayom

Kung puwede
ibigay ni Nanay na lang ang kanyang puso
Para di na mapagod munting sa iyo

Kung puwede
si Kuya na lang ang hihinga para sa iyo
Para mapuno ng hangin ang baga mo

Kung puwede
kami na lang ang papasan ng lahat
Para mabawasan ang iyong paghihirap

Kung puwede
lang sana bakit naman hindi
Kaso hindi nga puwede

Kung puwede
lang sana tumagal pa ang pagsasama
Para buo pa ang ating pamilya

Kaso hindi nga puwede
Kaya tinanggap na lang namin
Na nagpaalam ka na at isa na ngang angel

Kung puwede
lang sana aming ngayong hiling
Bantayan mo kami, umaga hanggang gabi.

IF ONLY

If only Tatay could give his blood

so you wouldn’t wince for every prick
Knowing what’s wrong won’t be such a fight

If only Nanay could give her heart
so that your heart could take a rest
Pumping blood won’t be such a quest

If only Kuya could breathe for you
So your lungs would have air
Breathing to live won’t be such a race

If only we could
we would have taken your place
So you needed not endure the pain

If only we could
No reason we should not
But as it was it could not be

If only we could be together
much longer, much farther
and stay complete as a family

But alas it could not be
So we just embraced the truth
That you are gone, an angel you've become

Now if we can just ask
for one final request
Please be with us, night and day.