Skye is in me

When Heaven first saw Skye in her coffin, he asked: "Why is Skye not waking up?"

"She is gone," I told him.

"Does that mean there is no more life inside her?" Heaven asked. I nodded in agreement with him.

"What will happen if there is no more life inside me?"

"Then, Nanay and Tatay will be sad."

Heaven paused, taking in all that I said. Then he blurted out: "Okay, let's go to the grocery."

"Why?" this time the question came from me.

"Let us buy a new baby. I want a boy and we will call him Claude."

That was how Heaven looked at Skye's passing away. To our four year old son, death is simply the absence of life and the beginning of something else.

On the day Skye was laid to rest, Heaven, Aires and I followed the hearse carrying Skye. Heaven asked his many why's again. "Why is Skye riding all by herself?" "Why are there many cars following Skye?" "Why are we driving so slow?" "Where is Skye going?"

So Aires prepped Heaven anew. She told him that Skye would be staying with Lolo at the memorial park; that her body would be buried under the ground; that her soul, just like Casper the Ghost, would go to heaven.

"So... Skye will be in me?"

"Yes," said Aires. "Skye is in you. She will watch over you, day and night."

"I won't be scared anymore of the dark."

That night, for the first time, in many years, we slept with the lights off because Heaven is no longer scared, because he knows Skye is in him, shining brightly in the dark.

Happy for Skye

It was raining when we laid our daughter Skye Czarina to rest yesterday. We wore white and had white and pink balloons. My wife Aires and I spoke of our difficult journey but nothing could compare with what Skye herself felt all 163 days of her life.

But many people also asked how Skye's big brother, Kuya Heaven, our four-year old son, was coping.

Heaven nearly threw a big tantrum at Skye's funeral. He was fidgety and asked to be taken back to the car. At first, I thought he was feeling uneasy, seeing Skye for the last time. I thought it was a ruse to escape it all.

To avert a complete meltdown, I took him back to the car and made a deal --- a new toy for his good behavior. He relented a few minutes later. In those few minutes, I managed to ask our son if the reason he wants to stay in the car is because he does not want to say goodbye to Skye.

He said: "No. I want to stay in the car because it is dry here. Out there, it is wet and messy."

"But what about Skye? Aren't you feeling sad?"

And Heaven said: "Tatay, I'm happy for Skye."

True enough, for the rest of that gloomy morning, Heaven did not cry. He looked at Skye one last time and asked: "Why is Skye frozen?" People crowded around the hole and Heaven hollered: "Excuse me, I want to see Skye." When the hole was finally covered, Heaven gamely sang Skye a "Rock-a-by" lullaby.

It rained. It was wet. It was sad. But if Heaven could, in all innocence, say that he is happy for Skye, I should also feel the same.

Goodbye, Skye!

Today to rest we lay you

Where the sky roofs the ground

Where hundreds more find their peace

With grasses and acacia trees

You will find it dark beneath

But above is yours to keep

Your flesh on earth remains

Your soul in finite time will live

You will hear us cry

You will hear our prayers

You will know why

You we love and care

Today an end begins

But hope anew springs

Goodbye’s but another way to say

My child, see you soon someday

Won't give up on us

It was unanimous.

When Aires and I were planning to do a slideshow in honor of our dear Skye Czarina, we chose Jason Mraz' song, "Won't Give Up".

"I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
Still looking up, still looking up."

Many of our friends and loved-ones say they are touched and inspired by Skye and by how our family coped with Skye's condition. It gives us immense satisfaction that we are able to reach out to others. If after reading about Skye, you look at your child with much profound love then Skye has truly served her purpose in life.

Aires and I had so many talks about what God has planned for us when He gave Skye to us. We knew there were many lessons to learn. I guess just like in Jason Mraz' song: "We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in."

Aires and I had to learn what we've got, what we're not and who we are.

Goodbye, Skye, Goodbye

Dearest Skye,

In a blink, you were gone. I was just an arm’s length away and you went without making any fuss. You did not make my heart go wild. You did not make my knees go weak. When I woke up, your goodbye had gone by.

I am awed how you planned your exit. You waited till I came back from a land far away. And for this I am forever grateful. You gave me the chance to spend another night with you. You gave me the chance to cradle you in my arms one last time.

What an obedient child you were. I whispered to you that it was all right to let go. And you did. You had to let go.

But I can’t. I will never ever let go of your spirit. You will be here forever with Nanay, Kuya Heaven and me.

You may have gone. But what you left behind will stay with us until our own goodbyes.

Love, Tatay

Happy number

133.

Today, Skye is 133 days old or 19 weeks.

133 is a happy number. If I add the squares of each digit and do the same for the corresponding sum and do the same for the next, the sequence ends in 1. That's the formula for happy numbers.

Math amazes me. And that's weird, coming from somebody who took Communication Arts because he did not like math. Math amazes me because it is exact.

But Skye amazes me more. Her extra chromosome made her condition exactly to be a Trisomy 18. Yet, Skye has defied the odds and survived beyond what was expected of her. Having her around for 133 days has brought us immense joy.

Indefinite. We don't know exactly how much longer Skye can stay with us. But we are sure it is somewhere between indefinite and infinite. If Skye lives for 10 to the nth power, that surely is a happy number forever.

Pretty in pink

Skye was pretty in pink when she met her neonatologist for the first time since she was discharged from the hospital, and for the last time since she would be referred to another pediatrician who practices near us.

Driving Skye all the way from Marikina to Manila is no mean feat. We bring with us her oxygen tanks and take extra precaution lest Skye contracts any virus that flies unseen around us. We are no germophobes but we simply don't want Skye to get sick.

The two-hour trip to Manila was problem-free. Skye was asleep the whole time. Kuya Heaven was his usual playful self.

Heaven and I did not get to go with Skye to see her doctor. We dropped off Nanay and Skye while we searched for a parking space. But we found ourselves just moving in circles looking for a place to park. Skye finished her appointment with her doctor in a jiffy and I had to be content with hearing the news from Nanay.

What good news it was! Skye's doctor was very jubilant to see Skye's progress.  Skye gained 400 grams, weighing now at 2.1 kilos. Her complexion is rosy enough, indicating no iron deficiency. Her lungs appear to be clear, without any infection. Skye is active, her limbs moving in bursts of energy.

The doctor recommended more frequent feeding sessions, making us worry about our milk supply. Aires is not lactating that much milk anymore and we rely on breast milk donations for Skye's sustenance.

But as we went home we set aside our worries. We held on the good news that Skye, so far, is in the pink of health.